What is Forgiveness: Forgiveness vs. True Forgiveness?

2011-11-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...........Musing of the Day

The topic I want to explore today is “Forgiveness” vs. “True Forgiveness”. One may ask: What is “Forgiveness”? Is there a difference between “Forgiveness” and “True Forgiveness”? What is “True Forgiveness”?

Forgiveness

The “Forgiveness” I meant here is the kind of forgiveness you, I and most people come to understand. It is about forgiving others (including yourselves) of some wrong doings or short comings. It is about being a bigger person in not calculating and letting unpleasant episodes ruin lives, relationships, situations and etc.

Definitions/quotes from Wikipedia:

“Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.”

“Forgiveness” is what you do for others.

What is “True Forgiveness”?

True Forgiveness

“True Forgiveness” is what you do for yourself. It is not contingent upon justice served or fairness. It is not contingent upon the other person’s remorse, guilt or appreciation of your greatness in forgiving them. It is the kind of unconditional forgiveness centering on the release of such toxic as unforgiveness from your mind, body and soul. It is about being centered in yourself, cultivating that inner peace and knowingness that what has happened has happened and that you are able to truly let it go and move on.

Now, I didn’t say it is easy. I didn’t say it is instantaneous.

Typically, when an ugly episode happened, what’s next is the emotional reaction and if choose so, the personal choice to forgive - that is the first level “Forgiveness”. And then perhaps after some time, you will move to “True Forgiveness”. Some never get there.

By the way, you want to be very clear that forgiveness does not imply condoning /encouraging the continuation of abuse or bad behavior. One must never compromise your own safety and integrity.

You want to know how to tell the difference between “Forgiveness” and “True Forgiveness” quite simply?

Have you ever forgiven somebody for some situation only to bring that up again in the next big fight or argument?

“Do you remember that? You did this last time and you were lucky I forgave you. How dare you challenge me in what I choose to do with XYZ?”

“I already forgave him and have no hard feelings but you know what? Just the sight of him pisses me off I wish he gets punished someday”

The two examples above (a little exaggerated), as you can probably tell, is what I meant by “Forgiveness”.

How do you tell if you have really achieved that level of “True Forgiveness” I meant?

Try this little exercise if you choose so: Close your eyes. Take a deep breath, center yourself for a moment. Clear your mind. Now, picture yourself locked in a small room together with the person you have supposedly forgiven. Imagine as real as possible (for the sake of this exercise). Pay attention to your breath. Listen to your breathing rhythm. Now, imagine you both standing close facing each other. Notice his/her face. Notice your own heart beat. Imagine you are going to stand there for one hour, looking into his/her eyes. How do you feel? Unease? Anger? Discomfort? Want to run out as soon as possible?

If yes, then you have not experienced “True Forgiveness”. If you can look the other person in the eyes and yet feeling a sense of peace (note: I meant real peace/tranquil, not numbness/apathy/emotionless), then congratulations, you have mastered the art of “True Forgiveness” because in that, you are forgiving yourself/the situation and doing yourself a favor as any emotional toxic, as much as you think is going to punish the other person, will only eat into you and can cause you stress. Large amount / persistent occurrence of such catabolic energy may eventually manifest into illness/physical stress and affect the quality of your own life.

Simply said, “Forgiveness” is for others. “True Forgiveness” is for you.

You need to take care of yourself for when you are at your best, you offer the world the best of you.

It takes training of the mind, personal choice, self awareness and actualization to go from “Forgiveness” to “True Forgiveness”.

Where are you today?

Right Action + Right Intention + Alignment = Balance

2011-06-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...........Musing of the Day

I was talking to a friend yesterday and something came out of the conversation which I think is good to pen down: Right action that is aligned with right intention is the key to alignment with your soul and the universe.

Right action or right intention alone is not good enough as it is not getting you anywhere. You are just merely recycling yourself in the same spectrum for you haven’t learned for the right reason.

Here comes my metaphor:

Group 1: Right action only – example: pray pray pray, chant chant chant, meditate whole night long but without the right intention. Underlying motivation: fear of God, fear of death, fear of hell, ego, self righteousness, I should because everyone else does, guilt, social pressure, social expectation, a routine, and etc.

Group 2: Right intention only – example: compassion, love, feel the need to help, intend to grow and learn but expect to learn it by being a couch potato.

Group 3: Right action with the right intention=>example: you meditate because you seek clarity, you pray because you pay respect and seek guidance and growth. These are just examples. There can be plenty of other intentions.

Do note that underlying intention may not be the reason you think it is. If you ask a kid, why do you go to school?
Reason: To learn

Why?
Reason 2: So that you can be smart

Why?
Reason 3: If you don’t go, you are left out and your parents will feel inferior because the neighbor’s kid is smarter.

Why?
Reason 4: If you are left out, you have no friends

Why?
Reason 5: If you have no friends then you will be lonely

So? What is the bottom line?
Intent: I go to school because mommy put me there and that is what every other kid does. This is the “underlying intent” of a 5 year-old kid. The rest of the reasons above are what he thinks it should be, and what he was told it should be.

Contemplation

A lot of adults know reasons but may not know or go deep within enough to differentiate if that is the real underlying intention or it is just a reason that is so obvious to be? Without learning about your true self, your deepest intention, you may not be aligning with the right action. No amount of prayers can light the bulb if you cannot see where the switch is. External guidance and help can lead you to the light bulb but you need to switch it on yourself. Otherwise, you could just be a cat chasing its own tail. You are wasting your time or prolonging the learning process. There are only so much others or the universe can help you to grow, as for the rest, you need to work within yourself. Look within, quiet down, and get to know your deepest self. It is through your self-clarity that will lead you to quantum leap in spirituality.

Key point is: while seeking external growth and development, do not forget to learn from your soul, your own being, your experiences and your ego. All of these life experiences teach you something about yourself that will help you to grow. You just have to spend some time by yourself to review and identify the key lessons in your own experiences. Because you experienced them yourselves, you can learn and appreciate most out of it as compared to the person next to you. If you don’t learn from your own life experiences and within yourself, then it would just be like teachers giving you homework but you just cut and paste from the internet without giving any thought. At the end, you may pass the test but you learned nothing. Most often, people cannot see the underlying intent because: lack self-clarity, self-denial, refuse to face the fact, afraid to deal with confrontation of your own inferiority, afraid to open more cans of worms, fear, arrogance, ego and ignorance. Be brave, for once you recognize yourself, you move up one step. We are all here to learn. It is ok to fall and tumble. For when you rise again, you rise higher and stronger. The next fall, is easier to manage. Your foundation will grow to be more solid and no one can take that away from you. You deserve the best!

Fun for the Day

How to know or understand your own underlying intentions? They are so-called "underlying" because they may be hidden from your logical mind, conscious mind or your self image of who you think you should be.

A little fun to try on your own: If there is something you are not sure about or want to seek clarity, keep asking yourself why (just like the 5 year-old kid example above) until you reach the bottom of it. I can’t tell you where your bottom is, you will know. For some simple stuff, you might just reach the bottom of why in just one instance. However, for some other complicated issue, you may have to drill down to multiple layers of “why”s. When you think you reached the bottom of it, ask yourself, “Really? Is that it?”. This little step is to challenge yourself to be your own little devil’s advocate to really see if this is it. Reason being, I have seen people who concluded they have found their underlying intention and stop at that. However, when I probed further, you will see that they stopped at a certain point (not the real bottom) because they can’t deal with the next level, or maybe just a little bit of self-denial. Well, when you are doing this kind of work, you want to be as honest to yourself as possible, no one is judging, except yourself. However, sweat not, whatever level you stop at, is perfect for you for the time being. Just know that you may come back later in life and continue the next few levels of “why”s.

Sample questions:

Why do I want to marry XXX?
Why do I get cold feet now?
Which career path would I choose? Which degree course should I take? Why?
I want to switch career. Why?
I can’t do this project. Why?
I want a divorce. Why?
I am not good enough. Why?

Oh well, if Toyota is using “5 Whys” methodology for their manufacturing/production system (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5_Whys), I don’t see why we can’t customize and expand it for our own spiritual application. =)

Have fun, people!

Pofdawn

What is Forgiveness: Forgiveness vs. True Forgiveness?

Hmmm...........Musing of the Day

Right Action + Right Intention + Alignment = Balance

Hmmm...........Musing of the Day